The girl with the Camera

"When you don't show up to work you let the whole team down" 

"Well at least working for yourself you'll only let yourself down now"

The words spoken by someone who clearly doesn't understand mental health. I have just recently quit my job to go out on my own and pursue my own dreams as my business is booming. The last few months has been, let's just say less than impressive at work, events that occurred and words that were spoken really gave me that push to trust myself and get out of a toxic environment where my anxiety seemed to breed. 

I enjoyed my job... most days but the bad days were really bad. Being in an environment where you go to work questioning "what reception will I get today" is not a nice way to live. It makes it hard to get out of bed, it makes it hard to walk in with a smile on your face and greet people like you are happy to be there and it is soul destroying to fake a smile and hide your beating chest, fast breathing and sweaty palms. 

A few months ago my anxiety decided to really ramp up. I was dealing with my business getting busier and work getting more demanding as well as trying to juggle my social life plus have time to myself (which I desperately need) it just became way too much. I had a few sick days in the past few months because I have been unwell and was finding extremely difficult to drag my fat ass out of bed! I've found myself in my doctors office a few times in an absolute mess of a state which were mostly bought on by bullshit unnecessary situations at work. I try to explain to people that what might happen to you, you can brush it off and move on but if the same thing happened to me, I brew on it and think so much into the situation like you couldn't even imagine to the point where I will have an anxiety attack and when people say "get over it" or "don't worry" unfortunately it ain't that easy. So my doctor gave me a few days off here and there which I hated taking because the thought of picking up the phone to call in sick literally terrifies me and the reception I get going back after my days off just doesn't seem worth it. So here I was literally at breaking point, my doctor prescribed me anxiety medication which I never got filled because honestly I will try anything else but I am not a fan on pills at all. Not that I judge anyone at alllllll if they are on them but they just aren't the option for me. So this particular time I had 3 days off and when I returned I was awaiting the dreaded call to "have a catch up" and yes It came and I heard stuff like "you let the whole team down when you don't come" "do you think you have taken too much on" "do you think going part time will even help you" 

Even writing this I'm tearing up because hearing words like this when I had just come back after I started to feel a little better and not to mention these feelings were coming from a ridiculous incident of rumors started by the same person saying this to me honestly just took me right back down to where I was before that. I wanted to say so much like "if someone broke there leg or had the flu would you say this to them" "just because you can't see I have an illness doesn't mean I don't" "do you understand anything to do with mental health" "do you have mental health issues yourself and do not know how to deal with them" but do you know what I did. I started to say this and than I shut my mouth and said "no worries" because I had already made the decision up in my head to quit. To leave a awful place that didn't understand about how to deal with its people, instead they just make them believe they are the problem and pile the pressure on them. I stayed in my job for so much longer than I should have because it was "safe" "security" and I got and would get "good benefits" when I decided to buy a house or have children but I decided, fuck that. It is not worth it! 

So I handed my resignation in and honestly can say that moment felt fucking great!!!!! For like a day than my little friend anxiety slowly creeping back. You see it makes you literally question everything in your life no matter how big of small but none the less I was excited to have my last day. My last cya later! I started telling my friends, customers, clients and family and it felt amazing every time I got to say I was leaving and I couldn't wait for my last day well that was until I took a sick day on what was meant to be my third last week I got a text message. Yeah a text from a boss of a company where I had been for over 5 years saying "I'm not required to come back, bring your keys in asap" 

For someone who I told things to that not even some of my closest friends might know, someone I cried to on my bad days and would say they were there to talk anytime had literally just given me a flick out the door like I was nothing. But it was also the same person who I found out would tell my personal life to many other people, talk about me behind my back and make out like I was the bad one that I was told not to come back to work. She took away the day i was looking forward to the most and made me feel like the last 5 years of my life was a complete waste of time, stress and anxiety. 

Now I'm done with that place I should be happy right? Well unfortunately anxiety doesn't just come from one part in your life ! But I will tell you I'm so f**king glad to be gone and I am extremely happy getting to live out my passion. When I think back I really don't know how I put up with it for so long as to be honest I don't know how they put up with me. 

I can be a horrible person sometimes and I'm not proud of that. The other night I asked my husband to bring me home a Sara lea cheesecake because I was craving it and he went to a bakery and bought a cheesecake and a chocolate muffin, sweetheart right? When he got home I was so mad because I specifically said Sara lea cheesecake (like honestly I can't believe myself sometimes) I was so angry I cracked a tantrum and cried in my room and didn't come out until he made me drive him to the shop to get me what I wanted. Like honestly what a bitch I am. Fucking crying over a cheesecake. I can't Believe how nice he is to me when I get like this but it just shows that he understands how I feel because he truly wants to help me, find out what triggers me and find out what makes me happy because let's be honest it wasn't the cheese ale that made me angry there was lots of built up thoughts in my head that day and I needed to get them out and unfortunatley he copped it. I truly could not imagine if I would even be here without him. He brings out the best in me, encourages me and makes me laugh like crazy. He makes me step outside my comfort zone and believe in myself all the while I try to do the dam for him in return. 

Truth be told though I'm struggling with the transition into working for myself. I love what I do now more than anything but man I put so much pressure on myself. I'm not hiding behind a company now. It's me. It's all me and that is so scary! Yeah it's amazing To be my own boss but that's also terrifying. My clients are amazing and when they tell me how much they love my work I sometimes just think "really?" "Are they lying to me" because I put so much doubt on myself but in a way it's a good thing because I am ALWAYS striving to import everything! You know what's Great though I get to spend so much more time with my cats haha yes call me crazy but when I'm having a shit day sometimes just laying down patting them soothes my soul like you wouldn't believe. 

So if you are struggling with your job or just unhappy in a situation that is causing you way to much stress, anxiety or depression. Get the hell out of it. It does not have to be like that. Find something you love and never stop doing that. I'm so thankful to have found my passion for photography and been lucky enough to make it my full time career. There was so many times I wanted to give up because I thought I wasn't good enough but I kept going and I would hate to imagine where I would be now if I gave it up. Start making decision for you! Stop thinking about what everyone will say, stop thinking about what could go wrong because it might seem like some days it's totally fucking wrong but it will work out to be totally bloody right ! 



The girl with the camera