Becoming a first time Mother

All my life I have never quite understood Anxiety. I was always very confident and outgoing, the more people in the room the better, I just fed off other peoples’ energy. The word Anxiety was something I knew nothing about and something I always avoided talking to people about for the fear of saying the wrong thing.

11 months ago I had my first child. I remember always being told it would be the hardest and best thing I would ever experience. I was prepared for the sleep deprivation, weight gain, the daily struggle of finding something to wear than post pregnancynappy changing, more sleep deprivation, constant frustration of not being able to communicate with my little babe. But something I didn’t expect something I had never felt before. Not pre or post natal depression but a knot in my stomach that I could not relive, a constant feeling that I could not control.

Because I was always such a confident happy camper I decided to see someone about my new found feelings. I spoke to a pregnancy counselor to whom I explained this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, it struck at any moment and for no reason at all. I was fit and healthy, I had so much amazing support and unlike a lot of pregnant women I wasn’t scared of labor at all, I was actually excited.

She then told me I was experiencing anxiety. It hit me, this makes so much sense, and I now know why it is so had to explain yet understand for those who haven’t experienced it. I’m sure we all have to a certain extent but I was about to bring someone into the world who I cared for more than myself and yet I would never have full control over the outcome of his life. Wait a minute, I just realized I needed control and I was getting anxiety over the things I could not control.

After Brooklyn was born it started to ease, he was here safe and sound and I was going to protect him through hell or high water…Until. She who has never batted an eyelid at a bit of turbulence was absolutely beside herself (internally of course) because she had to take her new small human on a 2 hour flight. At first I though maybe I was hungry or maybe I had forgotten to pack something, then it hit me, I have absolutely no control over my families safety and I have to put my faith in a stranger. Those 4 hours felt like the longest 4 hours of my life, like 4 microwave hours!

I’ve started to accept the fact that I will always experience anxiety but I have decided to not let it rule my life. I will still take risks and live my life to its full potential but try to accept more help, accept the process and trust myself more.

Being a mother is the hardest and best thing I have ever done but accepting how it has changed me is something I am still working on and something I am sick of making excuses for. 

Much Love,

Samantha Marr