Working in the community service sector for the last 10 years has worn me down. My ingrained need to save people has come as a massive sacrifice to my own mental and physically health. Usually a cycle, like a parasite, lurking beneath the surface until it decides that it’s time to show its face. It paralyses you, draws all your strength and leaves you a shell of a person you once where. That is depression. That is anxiety.
Its been 2 years since I have had an attack, and then one Monday morning a few weeks ago, it came and hit me like a freight train. My heart literally felt like it was going to jump out of my body and leave me. Fuck, I haven’t felt my heart race that hard, ever. The overwhelm of something so crazy happening scares the living shit out of you. It sounds so dramatic I know, logic is a funny thing. I knew I was safe, in my house, in my room. But in my reality, I was not.
To look at me you would think I have it all. An amazing husband, a career (well did have a career!), beautiful friends and family, amazing experiences. On the surface I appeared happy, caring, fun loving and care free. When reality, just below the surface, I was drowning, trying to grasp for air, trying to stay afloat.
2 weeks ago, after that attack, I left my job and did not step foot again into that building. My anxiety grabbed hold of me, shook me, and spat me out the other side. I believe it was my bodies way of screaming, yelling at me that the soul destroying place was slowly killing me, was killing my fucking amazing vibe and soul purpose, the reason we are here!! I just refused to listen. Over and over and over. I was not aligned, not doing something everyday that lit me up. For so long I refused to listen, until my body couldn’t get out of bed anymore, and my mind could not control the hate and anger I felt towards the place I spent 8+ hours a day.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we allow things that don’t serve us, that physically make us sick, to come into our lives and plant themselves there like the asparagus fern in my back yard I have been trying to kill off for months! (if anyone knows how to get rid of it shoot me a message on FB!).
For me, anxiety has been the wake up call I needed for change. That it is ok to let something go, to change jobs, to walk a new path, to find what makes you happy, to explore your inner workings and to be grateful. Grateful that you live in a space in which we can have the conversation. That we are not going crazy. That what we feel is REAL. That we can be put in the right direction for help, support and guidance. Anxiety for me has come as a blessing, otherwise I would still be going to a place I hate everyday, I would be throwing my energy into a space which doesn’t deserve nor respect my love. As much as I hated feeling that way, it was what got me to see the path I was on was not right for me. Trust in truth. Trust in your body, trust those inner thoughts (your intuition knows best, always) and know that there is always a different path, one which leads to a state of calm, of acceptance, of happiness.
Love always. Claire