Besides depression and anxiety I wanted to talk about something else that has been on my mind lately… and that was my miscarriage. Now before you stop reading, I am not going to go into too much detail and I don’t want to make the focus of this blog about miscarriages. I want to bring awareness to the underlying issue… not talking about it/or other traumatic things. Once I had to let everyone know about my recent experience I had at least 13 people privately message me, telling me “no one else knows but I went through the same thing this year”. Firstly, you do not need to broadcast it to everyone like me (I am doing this to help people). But I urge you to talk about it, get it off your chest.
Every night when I am trying to sleep all I can think about is the ultrasound.
When I am driving to work and have the radio playing, something small reminds me of that day.
I hate the new dress I bought, it reminds me of that day.
I think about the day at the beach when my partner and I took our reveal photo and then continued to lay around the beach taking photos of the bump.
No one knows this, because I don’t talk about it. So I am going to take you back through my journey….
My partner was on his footy trip and I was extremely sick so before I was due to pick him up from the bus I went to the doctors. I remember sitting in the doctor’s surgery waiting 2 minutes for the pregnancy test to reveal the results. Those were the longest 2 minutes ever… “You’re pregnant” she said holding the stick I had just peed on. I cried…. I was in shock. I wasn’t expecting this at all. I had to wait a few hours before he was ready to be picked up, which felt like a bloody lifetime. I wanted to be excited seeing him, but I couldn’t look into his eyes, I was awkward AF to say the least. I didn’t know how to tell him so I handed the pee covered stick revealing our pregnancy. Fast forward a week to our dating scan. We saw this little circle on the screen and a heart beating so fast and sooooo big. Right now I knew that it was all too real, this was also the day I fell in love with you.
I was experiencing really bad morning sickness, crying at nothing, hating my partner touching me, hated getting “fat”, hated that I was always hungry (I ate so much I hated the feeling of chewing). I was trying to embrace it, but this was all new to me and I hate change… so yep, it was hard. As the weeks grew, my belly and boobies grew, everything was getting soooooo big. My morning sickness had started to slow down at around 10 weeks pregnant, which was a huge relief.
Being new parents we had no idea “what to expect when expecting” so pretty much every weekend we would go into different baby stores to research prams, cots, literally everything… we had no idea what we needed, which was pretty obvious when we were at one of the baby stores and a random man introduced us to the pram he has and swears by.
Anyways, we just passed the “safe zone” and revealed our pregnancy to the world just after 12 weeks. A week later on the Sunday I was starting to experience cramps, however I googled this and thought it was my uterus expanding as I was now entering the 13th week of pregnancy. On Monday around 9.30am I noticed I was bleeding…. This scared the f*ck out of me as it was the first time I had it throughout my whole pregnancy so I immediately went to the hospital. I told them what was happening and they put me straight into a bed and the tests started.
I remember walking into the ultrasound room, the sonographer and I were so excited to see the baby… “you’re baby is going to be soooo big, I only get to see the early stages of pregnancy” she said. This made me so much more excited to see our baby. My heart stopped and I felt like vomiting when the scan started… I couldn’t see a baby. All I saw was an empty black sack. At first I thought the baby was playing hide and seek, but the whole sack was visible and no baby! I couldn’t stop crying, I knew there was no baby but I couldn’t come to terms with what I was seeing. The sonographer said that we needed to do one of those internal scans which was uncomfortable but I didn’t care, I just wanted to see the baby and I wanted answers. Then we saw what was left of the fetus… It measured 6weeks and 2 days. It passed away 1 day after our dating scan, but the sack kept growing until 10 weeks and 5 days. Still to this day, I have no idea why this happened. Did the baby know I was scared? Did they baby know it changed our plans to move overseas? did the baby know what I was thinking and did this so that we could continue to live out our plans? I feel so guilty for some of the things that were running through my head, for not being as excited as I should have been when the doctor told me I was pregnant. If I could go back and re-live this day I would. I would have eat more, slept more, done everything I could to protect you.
But I can’t and that’s reality. As confusing, heart-breaking and shitty as it is we have to accept that. I want people to know that we are working through it, but we will be ok.
It’s been 2 weeks since I have been in hospital and the only time I have cried was at my Christmas party.. because I wrote myself off. I know this is a shitty and unproductive way to deal with it, but it started “That Awkward Conversation”. Now, in NO WAY am I saying go out and get shitfaced, because I regretted it… what I am trying to say is all I needed was someone to ask if I was ok. Clearly I wasn’t ok due to the amount of drinks I had drunk and how much I wrote myself off.
The reason I am bringing awareness to this whole situation is to help you and others out there who know anyone who has experienced this (or a traumatic situation) or if someone does experience anything like this, please do not shut them out – or give them broken promises (like saying “If you need anything I am here” but never show) because you don’t know how to act. I had “friends” do that to me. If anything it’s these times we need you. Just show up.
And please don’t be afraid to ask questions… I was waiting around for people to ask about it (and look I get it, I know you probably don’t want to ask) but I needed to vent and cry but I couldn’t. In no way am I blaming you for my lack of ability to express my thoughts and feelings out loud, but sometimes (even with depression and anxiety) we need a little encouragement. The thought of talking about it is easier than actually doing it, trust me I know this.
This photo was taken just before I went into surgery to get a curettage. I was in unbearable pain to the point I was shaking and felt like vomiting. The moment I couldn't see my partner I broke down in tears, crying so much I felt sick. I hate everything about this day. I really didn't want to let go of the pregnancy and I knew that after having surgery would make this whole fucked up experience real!