Like every relationship, as time passes you slowly figure out the true colours of the other person. You know what they like, you know what annoys them, or what annoys you, you grow together or you grow apart. Well, it wasn’t until a phone call I made to an outsider last week that I knew I wanted to get out this toxic relationship….
I knew that I had to make this phone call, but I was really scared of making it… why? Because of how much my thoughts controlled my body…. Before I even touched my phone this is what I was experiencing:
My chest was tight, so tight that I was in a bit of pain
I am sweaty, so sweaty it’s gross
My throat feels like it is going to close, like there is a ball or something at the back of my throat… making it hard to swallow.
My mouth is so dry… maybe that’s a good thing, because I can’t swallow right now
My palms are shaking…. No wait, my whole body is shaking I can’t read my thoughts on paper anymore because I am shaking that much I can’t write
When I go to speak I can’t get the sentence out correctly... Which makes me stress even more because if someone can’t talk right it’s a sign they are lying right? I don’t want them to think I am lying…
I can’t concentrate – I am sitting here staring blankly at my computer screen thinking about the worst possibilities that could happen and then thinking about what I would do in each scenario
The anticipation is building the attack
I tried calling and it rang out. But now my phone is ringing and I nearly dropped the phone because I was shaking so much. Once the conversation started it was all fine and to my surprise the conversation on that phone call went totally opposite to what I had replayed over and over in my head. So now I am sitting at my desk with the aftermath of my anxiety attack:
I stink from sweating (sorry to my work colleague who sits behind me… no matter how much I try and mask the smell with my deodorant the worse the smell gets worse)
The ball in my throat has disappeared and I can swallow
My mouth isn’t dry anymore, I can feel saliva
My chest has relaxed but it’s aching from clenching so tight
While writing down how I am feeling now I can read my handwriting – I am not shaking anymore
Surprisingly I am relaxed…. I automatically felt relieved and at ease
Although I should feel happy right now that the phone call went totally opposite to how I played it out in my head, I am angry at myself! Why? Because in the past I would let these anxiety attacks last for a few days at a time whenever I thought about one silly little thought… that I usually made up in my head from overthinking about it way too much. I let anxiety control me and instead of approaching the situation that I was thinking about I would put it to rest because the feelings I was physically feeling were too much for me to handle. It was easier to stay then change. Although I wasn’t happy, I was safe.
But you know what? After experiencing anxiety again… (I know that it will pop up every now and then, it always does, it’s an asshole!) I know that I don’t want to be safe anymore (well, to a degree). Instead of me talking myself out of doing things I want to do I am going to do it!
So yeah, that was the day that I decided to end my toxic relationship my anxiety.
(P.S I found this photo and pissed myself laughing because it totally fits!! This was a photo of me taken when I was suffering a very severe anxiety attack and ask you can see they are extremely ugly!! However, in all seriousness I used this photo because anxiety is like a (ugly) mask that stops you from saying or doing whatever you want...well in my case anyway!)